The story behind my break up with a superficial society.
What about living the good life? Having sports cars, eating at the poshest restaurants in town, setting up your new company which has potential to make good profit in a year or so, having your own employees, making love to a hot girl/guy everyday and not to forget having the best reputation in town for this perfect dream life.
Now I have to clear some things up..
I am stuck in here. I feel nothing. Not even others. How is it possible to create an equilibrium and still be empty. Happiness feels differently or not? What is happiness? What about my life? Why am I even living?
They say if you feed the dream, the dream will feed you but the only time I thought I was dreaming was when I realized that nothing of it actually was true. My dream was created by the vision of others. By the perspective of a materialistic society and me swimming in a sea of fake people seeking cheap attention, rolling up with sports cars, all in Hermès, Ferragamo and Gucci, with a never ending hunger for recognition. Me? Not much of a difference. Even though I am denying it at this point. All I have right now are structured habits which have the power to decide over my mood because they run my life. Here is a little inside.
Drive Over Thrive
My business mindset has the ambition to take what it decides to own. I have no limits, no boundaries and no shame. Always profit-oriented. I want maximum security, a triple amount of respect from society and yes, there is luxury. I feel like I am designed to do business.
After a long day of expressing my self-given royalty, the night times are usually spend to show off that sports car by making an entrance in the city and meeting some friends, getting super wasted and watching something on Netflix.
But yet another glory day of abusing privileges couldn’t numb the emptiness in my chest. I am starting to question life again. In a perfect world I would be surrounded by art, I would deliver feelings, and I would feel love. But all that is left is emptiness. Going to bed now. To be honest with you, right now I cannot feel if I am alive or not.
But why am I feeling like this? Let’s get a bit more detailed. Yes, I am building a company which does the distribution for a German brand. Someone is investing in it, we are growing and I am responsible for many people. My boyfriend – just graduated – is involved. Could work out perfectly for us! We have everything we wanted. Oppurtunities are everywhere, we feel like rulers, owners! But what about our time? Right now it seems like it is flying by quicker than it actually arrived us. Where is the love in everything? Are we creators or dictators?
Some days I wish I could go back in life. Not to change anything, but to feel a few things twice.
Blood, Milk and Ink.
I am opening my eyes for no matter what I am about to see, so I am breaking up with my previous life. Quitting my function in the company, breaking up with my boyfriend and even moving to a different city in another country. It is the need to feel reality. What I found was scary, not estimable but made me happy again.
Sometimes you have to make a sharp cut through your ego to bleed out the grief for what no longer serves you and let the pain consume you for you’d be healed by your suffering self-love.
Thoughts are running through my head. Love is the desire to reflect in something. In yourself, a person or a thing. What happens when someone actually sees me? The individual. It would leave me immortal.
As my intellect is trying to find its way through a foggy cloud of desires I am stumbling across streets filled with art and music. This city feels perfect to me. There is love everywhere here and I am not shy to share mine. The smallest forces are leading the way through my days. I am writing again, doing something that is coming out of my fantasy, designed to let someone feel something. The pages fill themselves up with words, melodies were created in the moments where before was emptiness.
“As a child I had neither a sense of the world nor my place in it, but art taught me that ones vision can be achieved with sheer force of will.”
Sucker for love
To you, sucker for love. while you exist. While all the nonsense – trying to filter out what matters to you and what not, questioning who you love and how you want to be remembered – exists, keep in mind that there is no such thing as the perfect life. Otherwise you will never understand the importance of now. This moment is what matters and how much love there is for you to feed on. I am creating an abundance of love knowing that it cannot be kept by force and only be understood by the current moment.
Yes, I call myself a sucker for love, and truly everybody is. After realizing that our fear only lives by the absence of love I am not willing to waste another minute with someone or something that left me in doubt. Doing as I please makes me a creator, for there will always be something good to focus on.
Love, AYA ©