SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME

I feel alone. In fact I am alone. But I am not alone. .. I have nothing that brings me joy. Only a huge goal list which drives me forward, yet I am stuck and can’t even catch up achieving all that I have set myself on fire to do. Burned out by my own fire. .. And when I look around it seems like the fire has burned all else too, for emptiness consumes my life. What now? I want to cry, but cannot. Numb is my chest, wordless my mouth, thoughtless my brain. Yet deeply I know that all of this sitting around, feeling “not ready yet” leads me but into a straight jacket. I, not only am sick of holding myself astray, on the sidelines of life, I literally am sick of being sick. Countless people already spoke in front of me about the fact that we create our own reality and are responsible for our happiness. Mostly by speaking it into existence. And so, I started to talk. Sitting on my bed, exhausted from sleeping too much, a yearning revealed its pain. My mouth opened like of those lions, but no sound came out. As if I was caught in an abyss or fell into a deep well without seeing anyone that could reach out to me and pull me out. I was horrified. Disidentified with being human for a while. Had thoughts about a man I saw on the internet, that was so “woke”, he didn’t even look others into their eyes. Those same thoughts continued to say, that I should be doing the same, for all of what is outside is an illusion. Having faced this once before, the knowing of joy for life spread inside me like a virus and I made this choice. I shall follow my joy and so I finally started talking. And as my confusion crystallised itself in my trained eyes, I saw myself referring to the goal list. Right after that it was done. No more conditionality. I am sick of trying to be good enough. After all, I tried many times and it never worked out. Pushing myself to fulfil an image of goodness does not help me actually fill a life. Next I saw myself speaking in front of the camera about my feelings. I did not share that video, but used it for a replay to observe my split aspects of self. Like a broken mirror, light was bending directionless. Not making sense at all was not to my surprise. Watching myself now doing that motivational speaker thing again. This is being recognised to be a manipulative aspect of an unresolved issue I got from childhood. There is something I am not aware of and it causes all of this weird behaviour. Enough! I started to see the devil inside me. “Do not share anything, you will only cause harm”, my mind shouted. God, when will I be healed and free like the birds flying around the world? The shower maybe knows the answers. Naked body, warm water and Bob Marley, jamming. Willingly taking a positive action, holding my broken inner child as best as I can. And then it came to me! As my heart longed for a little fun and my body started moving in an extremely ridiculous way, long gone memories appeared as sensations, felt in every fibre of my being. I felt so sorry for this little child in me that was thrown away by its caregivers. At least that’s how it felt. I was about four years old. My parents dressed me and then sent me to my room. When I wanted to show them something, they didn’t pay attention. That made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and so I learned to freeze because when I insisted in showcasing my joy, they got angry with me. They just wanted me to shut up and go to sleep. Back to the present moment, dancing in the shower like a four year old, I suddenly remembered my mum dancing just like this, after her 9th chemo therapy. Nearly 10 years after her death I came to realise why she was the way she was. Foolish me for thinking she was naive and dumb at that time. Throbbing now from compassion and release, crying for asking for forgiveness and from forgiving itself. All is here. Broken yet the splits are seen. Wow. This is healing. Its messy. You have got to throw yourself in, without judgement nor resentment. What happened, happened. Taking deep breaths, while letting my inner child dance in the sweet rain and music. Thank you, I say to myself holding space for an integration to take place. How many people actually deal with this pain? And a vision revealed millions of faces of abandoned children sitting in grown up people nowadays. Behind the curtains, they sit alone, are hidden and were forgotten. But they do exist and long for a breath of life. That’s why so many deal with depression and thoughts of suicide.  These inner children are our joy, filling those empty rooms we sit in and wonder like “When is this going to end”. There is a reason why you are stressed. You are not sleepy. You yearn for adventures. Many of us do not even celebrate birthdays anymore. Listen, you are enough. ACCEPT YOURSELF. Yes, you can still go for your goals. You can still follow your dreams. The difference is that now you are being happy. ACCEPT YOURSELF. Blast that music. Feel into others. Reach out. Explain where you are. Trust. Yes, you can make mistakes. We are here to help each other rise. I learned to be my own best friend, so do that if you feel ashamed of reaching out to someone. I talk to myself and am my own parent. I think thoughts that say “You can do it” “Wow, look how amazing you are” “Let me dress you nicely and wash you and care for you” “I am so proud of being with you.” Yes, I really do talk to myself like this and it saved my life. Nothing is wrong with this, me nor you. We are here, helping each other follow joy. I hope you take time to reconnect to your wholeness too, especially if you feel in a rut, lost, lonely or unworthy. From the bottom of my heart, healing energy floods to you now, so that you learn to hold space for yourself – your wounded inner child. Learn to accept your imperfections to find perfection being perfectly imperfect. It is okay to be where you are. You are loved unconditionally. No one has it all figured out. Now pick yourself up, you wonderful little baby and look how amazing you can dance under the rainy waterfalls of the showertup. You are chubby and that is lovely. All of you is lovely. Mostly your smile for it lights up the spirit and makes dance moves so smooth. It makes others smile too. And when you cry, remember, you have arms to hold yourself and ears to be heard and a heart to be felt. Hold on tight, find a solution to make yourself play and never let go of this self love. Look, you just got adopted and became a parent at the same time. Now move on, take care and have fun. AYA. 😉